For the past month or so, I’ve been feeling like my kids in the car as I constantly ask myself, “Are we there yet?” If you’re like me and are feeling extra worn out right about now, let’s give ourselves some credit. It’s almost a full year of waking up to get the kids ready for school, taking them to all their extra-curricular activities, helping them with homework, and making sure everyone is bathed and in bed before the day is over all so you can start again the following morning. It almost makes us miss those quiet quarantine days…almost, but not really. More and more, I have been having moments where I feel like I am growing as a mother, and then I find myself taking a tumble… like Scarlet. I’m inclined to say that many of us, as parents, have our next child thinking, “We got this. We aren’t rookies anymore to this parenting gig.” We convince ourselves that we know what to expect and then somewhere along the way, we recognize that we’ve been given a wild card we were not prepared for. It can be subtle or as clear as day. It can be before they are born or years after, but it leaves us feeling caught off guard and lost. When I hear someone say that God only gives you what you can handle, it makes me want to roll my eyes. It may be said to make us feel better, but the reality is that even if he did give us that card for whatever reason, it doesn’t mean it will come with a cheat sheet that will spare you tears, worries, or doubts. When we had just found out about Leo’s diagnosis for Down Syndrome, I would be told that, “God gives special needs kids to special people…” It’s a nice expression said with good intentions…I used to say that to myself as well to try and bury some fears I had, but the truth is we were given Leo and we were just as clueless and as scared as any other parent. We were presented with a fairly obvious wild card without receiving any extra powers or patience. We did have an amazing support system, which we still do (and I consider that a superpower), but there was nothing extra special about us that made God say, “Here, these two can handle it.” I’m thinking about this more recently as the year is coming to an end and I find myself struggling going through each day juggling around three kids and my sanity. Some nights I feel like Rocky Balboa, reaching the top of the stairs, sweaty and a hot mess, but doing a little dance, basking in what I’ve accomplished that day and pumped up for what lies ahead. However, more often than not, the days feel like a rollercoaster that leave me leaning on loved ones more than I want to, while my guilt makes me wonder why I bit off more than I can chew. I know as a parent I’m not alone feeling this way, or at least that’s what I like to think since misery loves company. Yes, one of my children has a disability, which unfortunately makes it easy to use as a scapegoat for the reason I am feeling run down, but the truth is that parenting is not for the faint of heart, no matter what disability or ability your kids may have. However, what I try to remember is that they are still very young, and I can tell they are also tired of the year. So, I realize I need to be their rock, but I also need acknowledge that it’s okay to feel the struggle and worries, and it's ok to give the occasional complaint...or two. It's all a fair game as long as I remember that I would pick this journey called parenthood all over again, even with the wild cards and the days where I feel overloaded. It’s just a matter of focusing on the blessings and using that as my source of energy to finish up the school year, trying to remember to soak in the moments that make me realize why I chose motherhood. I try to highlight those instances that shed some light as to why God chose me to be their mother. Not because I have some special power, but because I am special to them, and they love me regardless of my flaws and regardless of when I am feeling burnt out.
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